On Pistachios
♠
IÕve been eating Pistachios nonstop for the past
10 minutes. I canÕt stop eating them.
IÕve put the lid on the can of Pistachios more than five times. Each
time, it only takes a few seconds for me to take it back off, even if I force
myself to the other end of the room.
I find that putting the can of Pistachios back in the kitchen cabinet
helps, but most of the time IÕm too weak.
I like Pistachios. I like nuts in general, but I
like Pistachios more than others. I
guess itÕs a toss up between Pistachios and Cashews. On second thought, Pistachios are my
favorite kind of nut. Let me tell you why.
I like the shells. I like the flavor of
Pistachios, but the shells have a great deal to do with why I like them. ItÕs
the motion I have to go through with every nut I want to eat. Essentially, you
do the same thing to each nut. You pry it open. But the details are different for each
nut. Sure, sometimes you come across a string of easy to deal with Pistachios.
Other times, there are those stubborn ones. It might be open but sealed tight
with crystals of salt, mostly closed, the combination of the two, or, God
forbid, in a worst case scenario, completely closed. These obstacles only force me to work
harder to meet and overcome natureÕs challenge.
IÕll first give it a shot with my bare hands.
ThatÕs right. I donÕt reach for a knife or a fork right away. What would be the
fun in that? For this reason, my thumbs are almost always raw and expose around
the fingertips. Sometimes it gets so bad, I have to take a break or use my
other fingernails to pry that sucker open. But then, thereÕs that rare humbling
occasion where I come across one that I have to rely on technology to open.
Once IÕve lost the battle with my bare hands, I usually donÕt give a shit other
than getting that Pistachio in my mouth. I usually use the first object my hand
lands on in the silverware drawer. Sometimes itÕs a knife, sometimes itÕs a fork,
and sometimes itÕs even a spoon. Which do you think works best? I would say go
with the knife and/or the spoon. A
knife is the obvious choice, but be careful. A spoon is surprisingly versatile,
minus the risk of a bloody pistachio.
In that rare case of a completely closed nut I
either leave it alone or try and bite it open. It
depends on my mood. But a word of
advice: Biting is potentially hazardous. There have been occasions where IÕve
used a hammer. At the time, I didnÕt give the hammering process too much
thought, but when I found myself trying to separate the crushed Pistachio meat
from the crushed shell, I knew I was smarter than that. At that moment, I ended
my friendship with the hammer and made friends with the pliers. Since I hate
walnuts, the concept didnÕt occur to me before sifting through the crushed
Pistachio.
When I eat Pistachios, thatÕs all I do. I donÕt
watch TV, listen to music, surf the net, or any of
that. ItÕs a one on one deal. During a session where I eat a shit load of Pistachios,
I find that I think of the different things in life. I have a moment, or even a
while if IÕm lucky, where itÕs just me, the surplus of Pistachios, and life.
Jesus, are you still reading this? I guess the bottom line is this: Eating
Pistachios is an interactive experience. It forces me to adapt to the
particular nut in my hand, so I can eat it. Eating is a necessary part of
living, but eating nuts isnÕt, unless thatÕs all the food thatÕs available to
you in a life or death survival situation. ThatÕs probably not going to happen
unless you get stuck in a nut factory during a zombie outbreak, or a nuclear
catastrophe. Okay. It might happen if youÕre in a nut abundant part of the
world and you get held up or lost for some reason. But, my point is this: Nut
eating, in almost every case, is an act of hedonism. Unless you just donÕt like
nuts. Personally, I canÕt understand that. But, the eating of Pistachios has
its ups and downs, just like life. YouÕre not just popping nut after nut after
nut after nut in your mouth without any kind of soul searching. ThatÕs what
some big nut company wants you to do all day, everyday. ThatÕs straight up
hedonism, asshole! Those other nuts donÕt put you through the complex array of
emotions, or force you to make a retrospective analysis of your life and where
you currently stand.
I want to know that IÕm enjoying the nut eating
session that I deserve. Over the years, IÕve come to many profound realizations
and insights into my life battling, conquering, and enjoying Pistachios. I wish
to continue on this righteous path. I would like to take this moment to thank
God, Allah, Amaterasu, Buddha, Vishnu, or what ever
force that created Pistachios. Whatever hardship life puts me through, I like
knowing that my can or bag of in-shell Pistachios will always be there to help
me work through it.
IÕm not crazy I just love Pistachios.
ÑKK